Humans struggle with communication, and our education often worsens it. Through myopencomm.com, I want to collaborate with individuals, companies, and athletes to help people find ways to improve their interactions with each other.
The most enlightening tool for a happier life is probably open communication. Communicating without boundaries with those around you can impact your relationship. It must be learned and practiced to integrate into our natural behaviors. We can start somewhere and pick subjects we want to make a conscious effort to talk openly about. Here, I would like to share how discussing sex and money in your relationships can make a huge difference.
Sex
is on the fun part of the spectrum probably something we need for a sustainable healthy life. In a study by Debrot et al., we can read that sexual frequency positively correlated with life satisfaction, with affectionate touch as a mediating factor (amplifies emotional bonding and contentment) [1]. This study is probably not sufficient to prove it is a basic life need but enough to make us look further into how to be better at human interactions.
Over time, religions, patriarchy, and other factors made discussing sex socially taboo or unacceptable, hindering open sharing even in closed circles.
Our brains often make us fear or think things that probably aren’t happening. When your partner is not talking to you about something, it is often because they’re assuming something. For example, how many times have you assumed your partner liked or disliked something during intercourse without talking about it? I was assuming everything because I was taught sex should be natural, something you feel. Guess what, like every activity there is a learning curve and the more you talk about it the better you get because you can get feedback and adjust.
The best way to break barriers of suppositions and foster a safe, fulfilling sex environment is to find a path to discuss your and your partner’s likes, difficulties, beliefs, and fears. Maybe do not try this during sex but start with fun questions over drinks, cooking, or walking. For any “difficult” subject, honesty and transparency about your feelings and fears are key. Once you’ve tried opening up, you will not want to return to suppositions.
Money
is central in our lives and still taboo in many cultures and relationships. The difficult subject is not money itself but our relationship with it. One of my favorite couple in the world, The Gottmans, highlight that talking about money prevents misunderstandings and fosters a deeper connection by building a partnership around shared values and long-term plans [2].
We all have suppositions about our partner’s relationship with money. We want to open this subject to eliminate them. It is as simple as discussing your fears about it and how you were raised around it. How your parents talked about it and how you understood it growing up and through your studies. Someone who had to work during her or his studies will maybe not treat money the same way as someone who did not. There is no better behavior here; it is about understanding each other and sharing in non-judgmental conversations to strengthen trust and emotional connection.
Take dating and sharing the restaurant bill. Not discussing money even this early on (and I advocate being transparent from the start) led me to pay for everything and be annoyed. Months later, I discovered she did not offer to share because in her experience and beliefs she did not want to rob me of being the man taking care of her. She was scared to annoy me. This supposition mechanism did not have a big impact but showed how open communication can improve interactions. There’s no good or bad behavior, just shared feelings and adapted actions.
Talking about sex or money can help you stop building your life and relationship around assumptions, increase safety, and reduce potential resentment. But discussing these subjects requires a non-judgmental approach.
Research in the American Political Science Review shows how a judgment-free, narrative-based approach encourages openness, empathy, and attitude change, even in politically charged issues. Studies on nonviolent and open nonjudgmental communication highlight its importance for relationships [3]. It starts by listening to our partners, understanding and acknowledging their feelings. So before discussing sex and money, ensure your non-judgmental skills are excellent.
[1] “More Than Just Sex: Affection Mediates the Association Between Sexual Activity and Well-Being” (Debrot et al.) — Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2017 Mar;43(3):287–299.
[2] “Talking About Finances: A Touchy Topic Made Easier for Couples” (Terry Gaspard) — gottman.com
[3] “Reducing Prejudice through Non-Judgmental, Personal Conversations” (Kalla & Broockman) — American Political Science Review, Volume 114, Issue 2, May 2020, pp. 410–425